Tony Abbott makes it up

Tony Abbott, speaking off the cuff from, he said, the rings of Saturn

By Andrew McKenna

In an extraordinary admission last month, the Opposition Leader said the only of his utterances that should be regarded as ‘gospel truth’ were carefully prepared and scripted remarks such as those made during speeches or policy pronouncements.

Speaking totally off the cuff, he said he was intending to cook Kevin Rudd slowly over his backyard barbecue, season him with a good imported soy and eat him with a dash of fish sauce.

‘I’ve always enjoyed Chinese food, and I know Kevin speaks Mandarin,’ Mr Abbott said, completely unscripted.

Last month on the 7.30 Report, Mr Abbott indicated statements he made during the ‘heat of discussion’ such as radio interviews or under questioning at press conferences, were not necessarily reliable.

‘I’m speaking from the rings of Saturn at the moment,’ he said in a recent radio interview.

‘I know politicians are going to be judged on everything they say but sometimes in the heat of discussion you go a little bit further than you would if it was an absolutely calm, considered, prepared, scripted remark.

‘Which is one of the reasons why the statements that need to be taken absolutely as gospel truth (are) those carefully prepared, scripted remarks.’

At an earlier press conference, under a great deal of heat from questioning, Mr Abbott said he had grown up on the planet Venus and his father was a big game hunter in India who had gotten horribly lost while pursuing a Bengal tiger in the Punjab.

‘Somehow, Dad ended up on Venus, and so did all his punka wallahs, and he married the Queen of Hearts and I guess I am the result. It’s not true that I grew up in Australia. Look, the discussion is getting heated and on Venus when that happens we normally go outside and eat pink witchetty grubs.’

Returning to his scripted notes, Mr Abbott said; ‘People smugglers. God and the church. Budgie smugglers.’

Under further tough questioning from a journalist from the Castlemaine Independent, however, he said, ‘The punka wallahs all turned into beautiful white centaurs under the influence of the Venusian atmosphere, which as you know is composed largely of saphires and titanium dioxide.

‘Look, if that’s not true then believe this: the ferries on Sydney Harbour are made completely of barley sugar. If too many children get on and suck them they’ll sink. By the way, I’m getting very heated and off the cuff here.’

Returning to his carefully prepared, scripted remarks, Mr Abbott said; ‘It’s not surprising that people worry about immigration.’

‘Are you a liar?’ someone asked.

‘I’m a politician,’ Mr Abbott retorted.

He was sweating.

‘But before I was a politician I was a preacher in Alabama. Boy, did those Southern Baptists like my Venusian accent.’